15, June 2016
Today, I had a fight with my husband; again. It is a common thing these days. However, it was the first time he threatened me with divorce. I was thrown aback with his outburst. He was infuriated by all the smoke in the dining room. My cigarette has been coming between us every now and then. He never had a problem with my habit of smoking before, until he got to know that I could not conceive because of this awful habit.
Things are getting worse day by day. Is he really capable of leaving me? Even my cigarettes have stopped answering my questions now.
I walked to the photograph on the wall,releasing another puff of smoke. It was a 12 year old photograph of us. We both were really happy until the day we visited the doctor, 2 years back.
We were planning to have a baby, but after a lot of unsuccessful attempts we finally decided to seek help. I knew in my heart that I was the one responsible, but when it came it hithard.
The doctor informed us that due to continuous and excessive smoking, something had gone wrong with the inner linings of my uterus.
My husband insisted that I could be treated with medicines? All was not lost, he would comfort me day in and day out. If we could not conceive, we could adopt.
“Studies have claimed that there exists a link between smoking and infertility. A woman who smokes 10 or more cigarettes per day is likely to find an occurrence of infertility caused due to the habit of smoking”
I remembered reading those lines in a magazine.
I went back to my diary, opening the page 2nd, July 2000. The awful day I decided to try a cigarette just because I didnot want to be the odd one in my group. It stings, it stings badly but unlike MS Word life doesn’t provide the undo option. I took my cigarette and pushed it deep into the page until I could not see that date anymore. Life is such a paradox. It wasn’t my diary, it was me who was burning……
My friend had rightly said when she offered me my first cigarette “smoke carries it all away”.
Yes! Indeed it does. It took away my happiness, my home, my husband and also my dream of a baby looking at me with her wide beautiful eyes…
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